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Diorama Of Rome Built In A Day
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Dorito-Factory Employee Can't Get Cool-Ranch Smell Out Of Clothes
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Ghost Of Joe C. Teaches Kid Rock Valuable Christmas Lesson
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News In Brief
Bush Calls For End To 'Era Of Political Argument'
AUSTIN, TX-- In a televised speech to the nation Monday, president-elect George W. Bush
called for "an end to the era of political argument." "My fellow
Americans," Bush said, "after a difficult period of partisan debate, the time
has come for unanimity. We have seen how destructive it is when political rivals disagree,
and we as a nation can no longer afford such ideological division." Bush said he is
committed to making his presidency "The Age Of Assent."
Letter From Employer Thankfully Omits Balls-Copying Incident
SAN FRANCISCO-- Randall Konerko, a 39-year-old database administrator looking for a new
job in the field, was relieved to learn Monday that a letter of recommendation from his
former employer makes no reference to the Dec. 11 balls-copying incident that led to his
dismissal. "Whew, that's a relief," said Konerko after an interview with
Luminant Worldwide. "I was sure Mr. Alland would mention that whole thing, but,
mercifully, he didn't." Konerko has made a promise to himself never to engage in
testicular Xeroxing, even if it's 2 a.m. and the office seems empty.
Broke Dad Makes Son PlayStation 2 For Christmas
DAYTON, OH-- Determined to make his son's Christmas dreams come true despite financial
woes, David McManus spent three hours in his garage Monday constructing a PlayStation 2
from scrap lumber and transistor-radio components. "I can't wait to see the look on
Andy's face when he unwraps this," said McManus, lovingly painting a "2"
onto the front of the handmade video-game console. "I didn't get to sand the
controllers as smoothly as I'd have liked, but still." McManus added that he hopes he
can make a "Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 2" CD in time for Andy's birthday in
March.
Communists Now Least Threatening Group In U.S.
WASHINGTON, DC-- According to a report released Tuesday by the Pentagon, Communists rank
last on a list of 238 threats to national security. "Communists may now safely be
ignored," Secretary of Defense William Cohen said. "The Red Menace has been
surpassed by militia groups, religious extremists, ecoterrorists, cybercriminals,
Hollywood producers, and angry drivers." Other groups deemed more threatening than
Communists include rap-metal bands (#96), escaped zoo animals (#202), and Belgians
(#237).
Man Reading Pynchon On Bus Takes Pains To Make Cover Visible
PHILADELPHIA-- According to riders on the eastbound C bus, John Bolen, 23, made a
conscious effort Monday to make the cover of Thomas Pynchon's The Crying Of Lot 49
visible to all on board. "Instead of resting the book on his lap or on the seat in
front of him, he was holding it up in this really awkward, uncomfortable-looking
way," rider Caryn Little said. "Then, every so often, he'd glance around to see
if anyone was noticing what he was reading." Bolen vehemently denied the
Pynchon-flaunting charges, insisting that "the light was bad" on the bus.
Real-Life Grinch Celebrates 'Hanukkah'
FREDONIA, KS-- A real-life Grinch was found Monday in Fredonia, where, unlike his fellow
residents, Josh Baum refuses to celebrate Christmas. "I'm looking forward to a nice
Hanukkah," the Yuletide-shunning misanthrope said. "We'll be lighting the same
menorah that's been in my family for generations." Baum would not comment on the
possibility that spontaneous Christmas caroling would cause his small heart to grow three
sizes.
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Top Story
National Machete Association Speaks Out Against Machete-Control Legislation
WASHINGTON, DC-- Vowing to "vigilantly defend the Second
Amendment and preserve our most basic civil liberties," the National Machete
Association denounced congressional efforts to enact machete-control legislation
Monday.
Full Text »
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Editorial
A Message From The Publisher
The Final Frontier
I Can't Believe You Blew My Perfect Feedback Rating
Darling, Will You Spend The Next Six To Ten Years With Me?
Jim Anchower
Jim's Got A Big Wish List This Year
The Onion KidsPage presents
Super-Fun Nativity Playset For Christmas
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A look at the numbers that shape your world.
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